Monday, December 19, 2011

Not Nail Polish - An Irreverent Rant About Christmas Music

This post has nothing to do with nail polish and everything to do with Christmas songs. There's also a lot of cursing, so fuck off if that sort of thing offends you.

My friend M-L blogged about "Jingle Hell," and I posted a few comments on her blog, but I wanted to tackle the subject of weird-ass holiday music myself. Some people hate it, other folks think you should wait until Thanksgiving to start playing it, but not me. Personally, I'm all for starting up the Christmas music just as soon as you hand out the last Halloween candy. At any rate, I listen to a lot of holiday music; I've got a 147 mp3s on a CD in my car as a back-up for when Sirius XM's Holiday Traditions channel starts playing the Beach Boys. Fuck them and their harmonies.

Anyway, let's pretend that the Christmas songs that have been playing non-stop for weeks now are classmates, and I'm the lucky person in charge of doling out senior superlatives. Here's how I'd label some of the more popular kids:

Most likely to get you arrested for date rape - "Baby It's Cold Outside"
Extra creepiness awarded to the Brian Setzer/Ann Margaret version because I'm pretty sure she's old enough to be his momma.

Most likely to make me want to eat all the cookie ingredients - "Marshmallow World"
I don't even like marshmallows, but dammit, this song makes me want s'mores and Lucky Charms. And I knew I should have gotten some whipped cream today... Food Lion had it 2 for $2.

Most likely to screw up grammar and pronunciation - "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
Where does the comma go? God rest ye, merry gentlemen? God rest ye merry, gentlemen? And why the fuck won't people just say "comf'rt" like they do in real life instead of over-enunciating it to "com-FORT"? Sidebar: The mash-up of "GRYMG" and "We Three Kings" the Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan released is my favorite version.  (Honorable mention in this nerdy category goes to "Jingle Bells." No one gets "up-sot;" it's not a true rhyme. Which leads me to...)

Most confusing performance - "Jingle Bells" by Barbra Streisand
What. The. Hell. Some parts are too fast, some are too slow, and even BARBRA says "upsot." 

Most likely to inspire a holiday cruise - Tie between "Mele Kalikimaka" and "Christmas Island."
Seriously, I want to be on a Carnival ship every time I hear these songs, especially the old versions with Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters. I can't help but imagining a tiki idol or one of those Easter Island statues wearing a Santa hat. (Sidebar: Do you think Bing ever banged the Andrews sisters, either singly or in a four-way? Just wondering.)

Most likely to not really be a Christmas song - "My Favorite Things"
What the fuck? How did this song become associated with Christmas? I'm not convinced that the lines about "brown paper packages" and "snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes" are strong enough reasons for this to be a Christmas song. Sorry, Julie Andrews. You know I love you, but this song does not belong here.

Most likely to remind me of childhood Christmas pageants at Sledd Memorial United Methodist Church - "O Holy Night"
We were Methodists when I was a kid, and I remember being in some Christmas pageant where I had to carry a candle as an old guy sang "O Holy Night." Now whenever I hear "O Holy Night," I think of wearing a too-big-for-a-child choir robe. And Gomer Pyle. Jim Nabors' version is just so bad.

Most likely to make me want to watch more claymation stop-motion cartoons - Tie among "We Three Kings," "Carol of the Bells," and "Here We Come A-Wassailing"
Way back in 1987 when the California Raisins were THE SHIT, there was a Christmas special created using claymation -- stop-motion animation using clay figures -- that only aired once on television. Not surprisingly, it was called "A Claymation Christmas Celebration." This TV show is THE SHIT, and you need to stop right now and go download it off the Internet. I'll wait. 

Stop the presses! While I was looking for links to the songs, I found the WHOLE DAMN THING on YouTube!!! Go watch it before some douchebag deletes it because of supposed copyright infringement. "We Three Kings" starts at 2:05; "Carol of the Bells" starts at 5:45; and "Here We Come A-Wassailing" is a running joke throughout the show because no one knows what the heck a "wassail" is.

Most likely to be covered by a slutty singer in an attempt to be cute, usually while wearing a slutty Santa outfit - "Santa Baby"
Eartha Kitt first recorded this song back in 1953. All you other bitches need to give it up. Your version will never be as hawt as Eartha's. Madonna, I'm looking at you; your cover makes my ears bleed.

Most likely to worsen your holiday depression - "Pretty Paper"
Roy Orbison first recorded this, but Willie Nelson's version is just so damn tragic sounding. Oh, Willie, why you so sad?

Most likely to make me think of "scary ghost stories" at Christmas time - "Zat You, Santa Claus?"
I don't know where Louis Armstrong grew up, but apparently, you couldn't even trust Santa Claus not to rob, rape or mutilate you. 

Most likely to make me vomit - "Christmas Shoes"
What the ever-loving fuck made NewSong write this atrocity? I understand that folks get sick and die, and some of them do so at Christmas. Hell, my dad is wasting away from Stage IV renal cell carcinoma RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, but he ain't asking for no goddamn shoes. You know what he wants? Whoppers. He wants those malted milk ball candy things, NOT FUCKING SHOES. I can't think of a single person who lies on their death bed, remembering "tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago," and says to their loved ones, "You know what would make my final Christmas the best Christmas ever? NEW SHOES. Because Jesus is so fashion-forward that I have to have NEW SHOES if I die tonight and end up in heaven. I CAN'T MEET JESUS IN MAH BAREFEETS!!!" 

I hate you, NewSong, and now whenever I get new shoes for Christmas, I just want to puke and puke and puke all over them.


  1. YES! An awesome post. You are spot-on about GRYMG and c'mfort or however you spelled it (too lazy to scroll up and look) and the whole Christmas Shoes thing. That's true comedy in that little paragraph right there because its core is tragedy (although, seriously, Henry? Whoppers? That's the candy I used to give my Grandma to eat because it was the last thing in my Halloween bucket!)I might need to link to this post.

  2. And I hope I didn't sound too irreverent about your daddy. I'm praying for him and hope he gets all the Whoppers he wants.



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